My journey to public speaking 

Growing up I wouldn’t say that I was shy, but I wasn’t confident either. For our GCSE English we had to give a talk to our class. At the time, my sister worked for British Airways and in 1998 she got my whole family cheap tickets to New York. The world was a friendlier place then, so we went to the crown of the statue of Liberty and the top of the world trade centre, so I had a really interesting subject to talk about. But even with something interesting to talk about, the thought of standing up in front of the class and speaking was petrifying, so public speaking definitely wasn’t something I fell into naturally.  

I suppose the initial idea to start doing public speaking came out of desperation. I was about 26/27 and all my mates were getting married, having babies, buying houses, advancing in their careers and making me feel incredibly inferior. I was so far behind them so how was I ever going to catch them? It was like I was racing Ferraris, and I was on a BMX! The fatigue I used to get could be horrific and made going back to university or starting at the bottom of a company and working my way up an impossibility.  

To make things worse, I was at a friend’s BBQ and friends of his dad were talking to another friend about his exciting job; they spoke to him with such respect. When they asked me what I did, my brain wouldn’t work fast enough to think of an answer, so I just said that I didn’t really do anything. They looked so disappointed and carried on talking to my other friend. I wanted people to speak to me with the same level of respect but for that to happen, I had to do something to impress them - who would be impressed by someone that napped all the time? 

In 2003/4 I went on an around the world ticket with my friends, so I had seen things that made me want more from life. In 2005, I started university in Manchester, so it seemed that I was on the path to some sort of success. However, in 2007 I was hit by a car and in October of that year I moved back in with my parents in Scarborough pretty much housebound.  

I always wanted to move back to Manchester and pick up where I left off. This seemed like an impossibility, but I insisted on commuting and still seeing my neuropsychologist Russell from Salford Royal. To stay in the system in Manchester, I lived between my sister’s house in Manchester and my parents’ house in Scarborough. It was on one of my train journeys between the two that I picked up one of those free Metro papers, and in it there was an article listing the 10 things people are most scared of. 3 spiders, 2 heights and 1 was public speaking, I thought ‘that is scary, but I could do that!’ I googled public speaking training and found an introduction to public speaking day in York by the public speaking academy. My amazingly supportive dad drove me there and picked me up. It was a full day workshop where you faced your fears, you wrote a 5 minute speech and performed it in front of the group. 

I never felt comfortable doing things - I just made myself do it, much like a tv show I had seen where parents in Florida covered their kids in makeup and forced them to enter these weird beauty pageants. This one scene stuck in my mind, where this little kid with thick make up on her face and a Disney princess dress is pushed on stage with another group of equally disinterested kids and told “Win this for mommy!”. That is how I treat myself, I really don’t want to do things, but I just force myself to do it! 

In this frame of mind, I contacted my local Headway and asked if I could do a speech in front of everyone in the group. I invited my friends, my family, as well as the regulars at Headway, in the end over 40 turned up… OH MY GOD! I have to do this now! In terms of advice for things that you may be nervous about, I find that people love to give you unwanted advice for things they have no experience in. Before my first talk for Headway, I was ‘advised’ to imagine the audience are all naked. The front row consisted of my mum, my dad, both my nanas, my grandad and my auntie all smiling at me! Great advice for calming my nerves! From that moment onwards I have only accepted advice from those who have prior experience or know what they are talking about!  

I wrote everything down that I was going to say, put my head down and just read it making sure my voice was clear and loud, and read it verbatim without looking up once. I’ve had bits of counselling/therapy over the years whether it be a neuropsychologist or private counsellors and one thing they all agreed on is that I am very hard on myself. However, at the end of my talk (reading) at Headway, everyone clapped and for the first time that I could remember, I actually felt quite good about myself! 

A friend’s sister was working at a college in Scarborough teaching Health and Social Care and she asked if I could give a talk about caring for someone with a brain injury, which no doubt some of the students would go on to do. Without thinking about it, I just agreed to it. The audience was 30 or so 16/17-year-olds so I wasn’t as intimidated as despite being 28 with a very unique life experience, I didn’t feel very grown up and felt much more comfortable speaking to this age group. In fact, I was too comfortable that I swore in front of the whole class! The students found it hilarious and that was a perfect time to use the brain injury excuse. In fact, having a brain injury is a preprepared excuse for forgetting your lines, losing your trail of thought or saying the F word in front of a class of students resulting in fits of laughter! 

In terms of nerves, another book that I haven’t read that has had a profound effect on my life is ‘Feel the Fear and do it Anyway!’, I’m pretty sure it’s about feeling the fear and doing it anyway and that is what I do! I used to write out emails, take a deep breath and just press send - 5 minutes later I had forgotten who I had sent it to anyway! I sent loads of emails offering to speak at places, it was so nerve wracking at first, but the reality is that you rarely get a reply. I started to get used to rejection and just being ignored but I did get the odd reply. When I did, I’d just accept whatever it was and turn up. When the day came, I used to imagine how a confident person would walk into the room and would act in that way, all the while being terrified. Looking back, I was very cruel to myself!  

Nevertheless, I went to schools, colleges, RAF bases, a number of police stations, universities, fire stations, the Association of Personal Injury Lawyers, University of Law and more I have forgotten, each one just feeling the fear and doing it anyway! 

That all sounds impressive in hindsight but I have honestly had so little self-esteem throughout it all. I’ve never forgiven myself for not being unable to work a 40-hour week and go a full day without having a sleep in the middle of it. I’ve always been so embarrassed by the residual effects of my brain injury. There is much more awareness these days however, and people are becoming more accepting. The Headway card is a brilliant tool too – it’s an official looking card to explain a strange condition, I wish I had one years ago, it would have saved me so much anxiety and stumbling over my words to explain myself. Get one, they’re free! 

I have always wanted to be the type of person that could walk into a room and just chat to anyone, full of confidence - make them laugh and having my presence make them feel better about themselves. The problem is that I’m not a confident person, I’m naturally quite shy, an ongoing desire to change that has seen me continue to push myself into situations where I feel uncomfortable in the hope it would make me more confident. I don’t know if it’s worked but in terms of how I feel inside regarding public speaking, well that is just a skill and the more you practice any skill, the better you get at it.  

This unfortunately opens the question of ‘am I more confident or do I just care less?’ Well let’s hope that it has made me more confident! I’m full of regrets of course, I always am! I wish I had done everything differently and I am certainly not satisfied with the things I have done. I wish I had done more but I am glad I have been brave. I disagree with the statement of ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ as in lots of ways it makes you considerably weaker. However, as many times as I have thought it was, life is definitely not over after a brain injury. Life hasn’t worked out the way I had planned but this is my life now so I want to live it the best I can.